First and foremost, Mama had anxiety before you were born. You’re not the cause, I promise.
A year and a half ago, I started staying home with you full time while working from home. I loved being able to be with you all the time. It was amazing. Then you got older and more rambunctious.
I thought I had it together, but I didn’t.
Your Daddy works long and hard hours and has enough stress of his own. I kept telling myself—I got this.
Some days I am more together than others, and on those not so together days, the workload doesn’t stop and neither do you. I may seem like I am yelling a lot or that I don’t want you to have any fun, but that is so not true.
All three of you have your own dynamic personalities and you clash and butt heads more often than you get along. The squealing and fighting sometimes sends my heart rate through the roof. I just want to help but feel helpless at the same time.
You love to make messes. THAT stresses me more than anything. I want one day for a house that doesn’t look like an explosion went off. I know that’s not possible with three kids at home, but I want it to be.
I am so sorry that it seems like I yell more than I praise.
I am so sorry that it seems like I suck the fun out of everything. Kids are supposed to be messy, right?
I am so sorry that I take my stresses from other parts of life and make it your problem. I am working on it.
I am so sorry that we don’t do super fun activities all the time because I am anxious that you will get hurt or make that mess that I dread.
I am so sorry that I feel hopeless most days and let my anxiety get the best of me. You don’t deserve that.
I am trying my best and working harder every day to understand what makes me so anxious. Maybe it’s the screaming. Maybe it’s the squealing. Maybe it’s just not being able to control your explosive attitudes that differ so much from each other.
Most days I feel so out of control with being with you all the time that I want to cry.
But, I am working on it.
My last sorry is that I either yell way too much or I shut down completely and ignore what is going on around me.
You deserve more than an anxious mama that doesn’t have it in control or together most days.
I feel like I need your help to get there but how can I ask that of three kids ages 8, 4 and 2? The reality is that I can’t.
I have always been anxious about lots of things. That was an awful truth since I was young. I don’t want to be that mom on anxiety meds though, so I need to get this together for you. Not because of you.
Your Anxious Mama