This is going to be a pretty down post. I am warning you now. There is nothing happy about death. People that say you should celebrate the time that you had together with a loved one is full of baloney. You may not agree with me, but I found out Easter morning that my grandmother had passed away. I could not stop crying, let alone think about the times that we spent together. I am, however, happy that she got the chance to meet my little ones. The last time that I saw her was Christmas and so she got to meet my 6 month old daughter. For that, I am grateful.
She was a church going woman, and was loved by everyone that she met. With her older age, it brought along alzheimer’s and so she would forget things and tell you the same story three or four times when you were visiting, but I loved her stories of basketball and softball teams that she was on. I think I had to have heard that story over a hundred times since I was in elementary school. To see her face light up with that memory made me happy. It meant that she had not forgotten her past. She would just forget things in her present.
I wish that since we moved closer to her that I would have visited her more at her assisted living. I have major guilt for that. I got told that she would not even remember the next day that I had visited her and so if I couldn’t fit in the time with two little ones and a job that she would not even realize it. To find out on Easter Sunday was a big blow because I always call her. I am glad I was told that she had moved on before trying to call and finding out some other way.
My dad called me and told me right when he found out, but I still couldn’t get myself together to go to work at Home Depot. Nowhere in me possessed a smile that I could plaster on my face for four hours. It was even harder when my four year old asked me if I had seen my grandmother die. I realize he is four and I burst out in tears anyway. He did not mean to hurt me. But somewhere deep down my guilt came raising right back up.
As I am writing this, I am thinking how I did not have to explain death to my son because he did not ask. He just knows that she is no longer here. He has only seen her three or so times. My dad let me know that my biological grandfather(her first husband) also died the night before Easter. It was ironic. Maybe there was a plan. Maybe he was tired of waiting for her and watching her struggle with alzheimer’s. She lost her second husband over a year ago. It was a nasty battled out funeral.
I hope that my grandmother and the grandfather I never got to know are now together. Whether you believe in a higher calling or not, there is always that little bit of hope that maybe everything that happens to us bad or good happens for a specific reason.
My life will go on, and I will learn to live through holidays knowing that they will not be spent with my grandmother anymore. I have to go back to work today after calling out yesterday and face the music. I need to try and be strong. It is still hard because it has only been 24 hours since I found out.
So my question is to you, how do you deal with the loss of someone you loved? And have you ever had to explain death to a younger person?
I hope everyone had a Blessed Easter, and that your spirits are not dampered by my drab posting this morning.